little bits of me: the patch

9.07.2004

the patch - 100 days

It has been 100 days since I first put on a patch and in that period I have smoked a grand total of 3 cigarettes. This alone deserves a bottle of scotch in celebration (not at one sitting of course). It is ironic that in celebrating the so far successful elimination of one vice I would consider treating myself with another vice, but hey, life would be boring without at least a few guilty pleasures.

I wish that I could say that I have quit smoking, but I can't. It is still too early. The temptation to smoke is strong, with some days more challenging than others. I describe it to others as a little like chinese water torture: the desire is ever present, lurking just beneath the surface, and at times painful as hell to resist. But, I have so far resisted and the belief in a future as a non-smoker lasting longer than the future as a smoker keeps me honest.

A friend recently started the patch. She managed four days before the stress pushed her back to smoking. I think she felt guilty about her 'failure', a guilt that I can understand, but I know that it takes any number of false starts before the final push through to the end. She'll get it when she is ready. I said it in an earlier entry that it's all a state of mind.

As for me, I still have to be vigilant. I returned to school today for the first time in more than half a year. After my first class my first instinct was to cut outside for a smoke. My second instinct was to supress my first instinct and head for the car. Nothing beats the urge like a little exercise (the car was parked many blocks away.)

Tomorrow, like today, will be a little better. And the next day a little better still.

posted by jmd ¶ Tuesday, September 07, 2004

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